In previous posts I have mentioned the FIVE aspects of doula support : Information, Interpersonal, Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Support.

We’ve touched on the value of information in knowing your options prior to the start of labor. As well as how a doula’s superpower of Mediation & Time (your interpersonal support) tend to provide you better outcomes and overall experience during your birth.

The final three tend to flow with each other in a moment-to-moment type of support with each contraction and breath. Rarely do you have one without the others close by.

To give them some individual attention for clarity:

Physical Support can be anything from those Hip Squeezes I’ve mentioned to simply hugs, rubbing your back, or stroking your hair. Even just the physical presence of a support person throughout the entire birth process has been shown to alleviate birthing parent stress, fear, and pain. Often giving them a sense of confidence that extends to their partner!

Emotional Support can be affirmations and words of encouragement, holding space for your feelings (the good, bad, dramatic or subtle: your feelings and experiences are VALID). Physical support can easily share space with emotional support like a kiss to the forehead or stroking your hair. Something that can be deeply comforting for some birthing parents. Which leads me into the final aspect of support.

Spiritual Support can seem esoteric and misconstrued for our secular friends. This does not mean your doula and you have to share the same faith, if any. This is “simply” at it’s core the connection between people experiencing something together. Being present, open, and willing to be seen. Whether it is woman to woman or if both of you have had children before and any other combination in between:

We are all human and we are sharing this birth space together right now. We are in this together.

In order for a doula to tap into these three aspects of support; to truly be present and grounded during a birth she needs a great deal of TRUST.

Trust in the birth process. This allows a doula’s experience and knowledge to shine through.

Familiar with the various degrees of “normal” and confidence in you, your body and your baby’s ability to birth allows them to be a grounded and calm presence during a birth.

A parent’s touch stone for reassurance and guidance as needed. (That’s for both the birthing person and their partner!)

This confidence in the birth process allows a freedom to move into the space of hands-on physical support and to hold space emotionally. 

Let’s face it, when you’re feeling uncertain, anxious, or afraid; it is really hard to problem solve or sit within the present moment. Everything feels BIG and A LOT. 

For a doula, she can settle into that space of calm clarity because she trusts the process.

Your doula believes in you, your baby, and your body’s ability to birth.

Hiccups may happen along the way, and they are prepared for those too. Able to adjust course to provide the support you need for when you need it. 

That trust alleviates the fears and anxieties; allowing a clearer mind to help find what works best for you during a particular phase of labor. 

So what does that look like during birth?

Perhaps bouncing on the ball no longer brings the relief it did before. When something has been helping for so long, these changes can be a trigger for anxiety and uncertainty. 

Your doula knows it is absolutely normal for coping techniques during one phase of labor to not necessarily bring relief later on. And vice versa. Chatting to distract from the contraction surges may have helped during your early labor, but now as things get more intense you can’t stand the chit chat. And that’s okay!

A doula is tuned into the birthing person and their partner. They can read the room as well as feel out when something is no longer working. When you trust the process, it is easier to let go and try other options. Like leaning over the birth ball and seeing if it provides more relief instead of bouncing.

Little adjustments can make a huge difference. 

In the midst of labor and feelings of uncertainty, it can be difficult to realize a small change could help. Even trying to recall positions and coping techniques in the moment can be challenging during a birth.

The doula is well-versed in these little adjustments and has an extensive tool kit of things to try! 

One of the advantages of having a doula meet prenatally with you goes beyond the sharing of information and education, but also preparation of this tool kit. Finding what tends to work best for you when you are coping with stress or pain. 

Not everyone is touchy feely or feels reassured with words of affirmation. Exploring those preferences prior to labor helps develop this took kit specifically for you and your birth. Reducing how often a birthing person needs to be drawn away from “laborland” or their more primal brain that they need for birthing tends to make the birthing process easier. 

That’s why it’s so important to discuss options and practice coping techniques prenatally. 

Birth deserves the time and attention to prepare yourself and your partner beforehand so you both can sink into the moment-to-moment experience.

Having your doula there adds to that reassurance and relief that allows you to be present in the moment. Let your doula do the problem solving of suggesting different things to try. We trust in you and the process, and trying different methods and techniques is a part of that process. 

Future blogs and podcasts will go more into detail of the specific coping techniques. To give them their time to shine. In the meantime, you are always more than welcome to reach out to see how a doula could benefit you and your birth and postpartum experience.

Before that, our next installment of the What is a Doula Series is the Wrap Up! A lovely summary in one spot of the various topics of the series and clearing up an additional questions that may have come up along the way!

Until then, Happy Birthing!

JB

We’ve entered a curious time where partners are expected to be in the birthing space with their birthing partners, to attend childbirth classes and serve as their partner’s birth coach and cheerleader. Not to mention welcoming their new baby and being emotionally present!

So when a doula enters the mix, knowledgeable in birth and often confused with a birth coach, it can leave partners wondering what their role is during birth. 

A common feeling partners can have is that the doula “replaces” them in the birth room. This is simply not true. 

Here I would like to air out some misconceptions about partners & doulas as well as share how a doula can help the partner too! 

Most importantly, a doula NEVER replaces a partner in the birth space. (Early COVID hospital protocols aside. That’s a WHOLE other topic). As a partner, you bring something to the birth that a doula simply cannot. 

Personal history, love, and intimate connection. 

This intimacy is something a doula does not provide, nor tries to! This is something wholly special and necessary that the partner can provide. 

With this perspective, the doula takes on more of the responsibility of the “birth coach” or I prefer the “birth guide.” The doula holds extensive knowledge on the birth process and often can be seen as a touchstone for the parents to reassure that “yes, this is normal. You’re both doing great.”

Let’s face it. It’s hard watching a loved one struggle and experience pain that you cannot fix for them. Partners tend to be doers and birthing can leave them feeling off balance and overwhelmed. 

You can't give birth for your partner! 

What you can do is be as present and supportive and loving as possible. This is different for everyone and every couple. Some partners are excited and more than ready to get in the trenches of emotion and provide hands on support to their birthing partner. Others are unsure what to do and also feel overwhelmed that their partner will be giving birth to their baby soon!

It’s hard to be present and supportive if you yourself need some support. And that’s okay!

Here is where a doula shines with partners. For the more involved partners, doulas can give gentle suggestions of where to place hands or when to try something new to keep that “Gate Theory” as effective as possible for the birthing partner. With this partner, a doula will typically work in tandem to support the birthing partner. 

Having the birthing person face their partner and leaning on them to slow dance while the doula provides hip squeezes or back massage. For when they are handling things beautifully on their own, a doula can step back to give them space to find their groove and offer suggestions or answer questions as they come up. She fills in the gaps and builds on what the partner is already bringing to the table. 

For the more anxious and unsure partners, the doula may do a lot more of the heavy lifting so to speak with the hands on and emotional support. Giving the partner space to center themselves and encouraging them, when they are ready, where to place their hands or suggesting special moments of hugs, kisses and encouragement. 

This partner might need to be able to step out of the space to gather themselves or extra time to adapt to the intensity of birth before joining in when their partner needs them most. 

A partner has personal history, love, and intimacy that a doula would not try to replicate. This is something wonderfully yours between the two of you.

With both of these types of partners (and the many in between), the doula is a constant. Either partner can step away for a bathroom break, coffee, or fresh air without being worried (or feeling guilty) about leaving their partner alone. With a doula, their partner will always have someone by their side. 

The doula meets these partners and couples where they are at. During prenatals they’ll gauge knowledge, comfort levels, and both parents’ desires for the birth. That way each birth is tailored to each couple and every birth is unique. A doula flows to fill and support spots that need extra attention and help guide both parents on the journey should they want it. 

There is reassurance that everything is okay based on her knowledge. 

There is comfort in knowing that the birthing partner will have continuous support between the two of you. 

There is peace of mind when working with a doula who guides you through not only the birthing person’s experience of birth but the partner’s as well.

A family centered moment. 

There is confidence from practicing skills with a doula and using them together to support your birthing partner. Like with any sport, practice is key for muscle memory and confidence! 

Are you a partner and concerned about your role during birth with a doula present? Reach out and let’s explore some ways to work together so this birth experience is memorable for both you and your birthing partner. 

Next time I’ll elaborate on how doula’s being the experts in “normal,” translates to intuitive support during labor and birth. 

Until then, Happy Birthing!

JB

Last time we touched on the importance of knowledge and a doula’s role in providing the information you need to make informed decisions. Decisions made by you, for you, that are best for your family. 

This time, I’m uncovering an often overlooked superpower of a doula. 

Imagine breathing with each surge, riding the waves of intensity and relaxing into the ebb and flow. Your partner beside you, rubbing you back as your doula breathes with you while she massages your hands, arms, and legs. You have been working hard, and have finally found a sense of rhythm. 

Now enter your provider. You’re feeling a little disrupted, but your partner and doula are beside you to help maintain a semblance of the rhythm and ritual you had moments ago. Your doula knows laying on your back for a cervical exam can be uncomfortable and painful so she pays close attention to your changing needs. Providing continuous contact and massage to help relax you as much as possible between surges. 

You feel confident that surely you have progressed this time, it’s been a long labor so far, but you found your rhythm! This confidence shakes with the shake of your provider’s head. You’re “still” x- centimeters. They think you should be put on Pitocin (artificial Oxytocin used to increase the intensity of contractions). Suddenly you feel tight, discouraged and maybe even scared or frustrated. You thought you have been doing so well! (P.s. You definitely are! Don’t doubt that!)

For those who have birthed before or have already started having prenatals with your care providers, you have probably encountered this feeling. 

Often birthing parents and partners can feel swept up by “White Coat Syndrome” that goes beyond an increase in blood pressure brought on by anxiety. Many people, when told by a doctor or nurse that something needs to happen or that they are going to do something (to your body), feel pressured to go along with anything they say. Even if what they are suggesting does not need to happen as urgently as it may seem. 

For our example above, the provider thinks you are taking too long to dilate and progress. Many providers are taught that birth should follow a strict timeline, but that is only an average of how a birth can go. There are plenty of safe variations on either side of that average or what they deem “normal.” 

With any unexpected and often sudden suggestions of interventions is when a doula’s superpower shines. 

Rather than immediately prep you for Pitocin or an Epidural or a Cesarean, your doula can calmly (and respectfully) suggest giving the birthing parent (you) a few minutes to think it over. For any intervention that is suggested, you are allowed to have time to think about it and have the right to say no. The only time that time is not allowed is when it is a true life or death emergency and you’re unable to respond to give consent (this is implied consent). Which is rarely the case. More often than not, you have time to think and decide. 

Doula’s help keep TIME on your side

If you decide you would like to hold off on the Pitocin, your doula can suggest requesting a time limit with your provider. 30 minutes here or 60 minutes there to get up and walk around or try something new to move labor along. 

Time is your greatest resource during a birth.

The more time and space you can have, the easier and less pressured your birth experience will tend to be. 

Here, your doula does not speak for you in that they are not making decisions for you. They are there to act as a gentle buffer between you and feeling rushed or pressured. If it seems like your medical birth team is ignoring or acting against the choices you made for your Birth Vision, your doula can be more firm in protecting this space with you. 

Your Body Your Choice | Informed Consent & The Time To Make Decisions

You have the right to birth the way you want within the limits of safety to yourself and your baby. In the event of something like increasing blood pressure, fever, or other indicators something may be wrong, an intervention is likely necessary. 

However, pending a truly urgent matter, you have the right to know what is going on, to ask questions, to have a few minutes on your own (or with just your partner or doula) to process these changes, and to give your consent (or not). 

Just because something unexpected is happening, does not mean you lose autonomy. 

A doula is here to help mediate when communication is difficult between the birthing parent and her partner or her birth team. A doula is there to suggest privacy for you to think and decide. To provide you the option of time to try something different. To ask questions to clarify what the provider would like to do. To encourage communication between you and the provider, such as asking them to explain your options or why something is necessary. 

I care deeply for you, your choices, and your rights to a positive birth experience.

As a doula, I have the benefit of being a third party outside of the scope of the care provider and outside of the intimacy of your relationship or family. I care deeply for you, your choices, and your rights to a positive birth experience. However, I am not as emotionally embedded in this birth as you and your partner are. I can step back and see what is happening, reassure you things are progressing normally, and act as a calm third party mediator. 

This is a key strength to the doula. They care deeply while being able to remain calm and grounded during highly emotional moments. 

This is also why partners and doulas make a perfect team. Your partner has that deep emotional intimacy with you and your baby. They provide the love and familiarity you need. While a doula provides a touch stone when you need reassurance this is normal or to suggest a different coping technique. Having someone there as a constant source of support and information can allow partners the space to be a part of the birth as much as they are comfortable.

Partners are a crucial part of your birth team!

Next time I’ll dive deeper into how partners and doulas make a perfect team. As well as how a doula can help the partner during birth more than you might have thought. Partners need doulas too. I want both you and your partner to “feel capable of anything!” 

Until then, I wish you all the best and happy birthing! 

JB

What is a doula series: the basics.

So, you’re looking for a doula? Or perhaps you’ve just recently heard this odd term and want to learn more. 

You’re in luck, because this is the start of my “What is a doula” series where I will shed some light on what a doula is, does, how they benefit you, as well as other fun tips and tricks. 

Founded in tradition of women coming together to support the birthing person through a powerful rite of passage.

First off, “doula” was coined in the 1960s derived from the Greek word meaning “women who serve.” However, women have been serving each other in birth long before the 1960s, this was simply when women began pushing for more birth support. Particularly in areas where western medicine was prevalent, such as the United States. 

Women wanted birth to be less frightening, isolating, and overwhelming. Considering as a species, women typically were supported by a local midwife and women of their community usually a mix of family and friends. For countries driven by western medicine, this community based support was pushed further and further away. 

Connection & Community is a Cornerstone

From the 60s to today, we are generally pretty isolated from community and even family. It is common for a couple to marry and move across the state, country, or even overseas from their parents and grandparents. This distance plus needing to make new friends in your new home often leaves couples that are expecting their first or even fifth baby feeling alone and unsupported. 

When family and friends are too far away or too swamped with their own obligations (whether jobs or families of their own), a doula is available to fill in this gap. 

Living closely with multigenerational families is not always feasible, so that essential aspect of community support needs to come from somewhere to ease the transition of pregnancy to birth to parenthood. 

A doula provides that stability of availability, as well as education in the birthing process, newborn care, and breastfeeding. Often sharing local resources or information so the parents, who may have never been around newborns before, have a chance to become educated on the basics so they feel more confident in becoming parents. 

As well as providing education on your choices for your birth and in parenting so you can make your own informed decisions. Much like how I felt in regards to hormonal birth control by not being educated in the potential for health risks or prolonged infertility later in life, a similar tendency for not providing necessary information and education occurs in our maternal health care system. 

“Wait, I have options?!”

You don’t know what you don’t know, so how can you be expected to make informed choices on your health care? As consumers of our health care, which is how our medical system is set up, you have the right to know your options, to get second or fifth opinions on the right course of action. Just because one doctor or hospital says you cannot try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) does not mean it isn’t a safe and feasible option for you. It may mean you need to look into another care provider before accepting a scheduled cesarean. 

It is important for me to emphasize that as a doula, I do not have an agenda for what your birth should or should not look like beyond being your choice.

Whether you want a drug-free home birth to a planned cesarean, I am simply here to provide you with options, resources, and support so you feel confident in your informed decisions. 

Whatever your ideal birth looks like, I want to be there with you to help make that a reality. 

Sometimes twists and turns and unexpected hiccups happen. Part of my job is to help prepare you for those potential variations from your ideal vision of birth. Even if you fully intended and desired to have a drug-free birth, you may find yourself thirty hours in and exhausted. You may change your mind and decide medication to allow you to rest before it is time to push is the best option for you now that you have been laboring. 

And that is okay. 

I will help you try everything we can prior to that point, and support you if you change your mind. You know what is best for you and your baby and what your limits are. I can also reassure you that you can absolutely change your mind, but let’s have the nurse or midwife check you first. 

Sometimes all you need in that moment when you feel like you cannot do this anymore, is to be told that it’s almost time to push. Because many times when a mamma reaches that wall where they just cannot go on, it’s because their baby is about to be born. 

And other times, it is simply a long labor and you could absolutely use a rest for a couple of hours. Then when it is time to try getting up and encouraging that baby to move down and out you feel more capable and ready.

Every birth is different for every mamma, and I want to hold space for that uniqueness. 

Your birth matters, and so does your memory of it. I would like to honor that core aspect of birth with you. No matter what twists or turns may happen, I want you to feel at the end of the day and twenty years from now satisfaction with yourself and your birth experience. To leave you with a feeling of empowerment and pride that you did this awesome thing and feel like you are capable of anything. 

That’s what I want for you.

Next time, I will go more in depth into exactly what a doula does to help you have that feeling of “I am capable of anything.” 

Until then, I wish you all the best and happy birthing! 

JB

Emerging from the reclusive cocoon brought on by a pandemic, job change, and some much needed time to reprocess and recover; I am back. 

Though, to be fair, I continued to provide birth and postpartum support during this time, I simply needed a few moments (*ahem, months) to prepare some new and exciting aspects of JB Doula Services, LLC. 

First and foremost, allow me to reintroduce myself if you’re new to my site and content. I am Jessica Brown, a DONA International Certified Birth & Postpartum Doula serving families in South Western Pennsylvania. I’ll have additional content going deeper into what a doula is, and what doulas do for families. For brevity, I serve families as a non-medical support professional through major life transitions such as birth and the early weeks of the postpartum period when families adjust and parents find their footing. 

The job change I had in 2020 was leaving my full time job as an EMT on an ambulance, for a stay at home day job while I work on building my client base as a birth worker. This job shift, with the benefit of social distancing/isolation and more flexible hours for call offs to attend births and client needs, gave me the peace of mind to accept clients during a pandemic because I was no longer coming into direct contact with patients on the ambulance. While I am thankful for the learning opportunities I had as an EMT, I am grateful for the change of pace to focus more on birth and families rather than emergencies. 

What brought me to birth work, you might ask.

Women Supporting Women

The Red Tent Movement inspired by Anita Diamant’s novel ‘The Red Tent’

An eye opening experience among women at the Homercity Red Tent. Here I learned more about my body, and how it works than any of my public school health classes taught me. I remember being shocked and frustrated that I knew nothing about how my cycle actually worked, such as the variations in our discharge to the fact that hormonal birth control can negatively impact future fertility. It quickly became apparent that I did not know even a fraction of what I should as a woman about my own body. 

From there, I continued to learn more and had a growing interest in holistic women’s health. I personally decided to get off hormonal birth control and learn about charting my cycles as well as other factors that can affect fertility such as diet, exercise, and our emotional landscapes. 

Somewhere in that time of exploration of women’s health, I became more aware of the birth climate in the United States. Primarily the general lack of information such as when I was a teen being prescribed birth control (with no discussion of increased risk of blood clots, stroke, or infertility after discontinuing the pill). I became aware of the disparity in experiences women were having revolving around birth, where the typical theme was feeling like they had no say, control, choice, or power. Something that was a rite of passage and a major life event was being reduced to a medicalized, sterile, and isolating (even before a pandemic) procedure. 

That Moment When…

You realize you know practically nothing about how your body works

Already interested in finding a way to serve women and their health, I was guided toward midwifery. Primarily the out of hospital midwifery where women could have home births without fear. Surrounded in a familiar, comforting environment with people they loved. Unrushed, and literally at home in their surroundings. I immediately felt a connection with this renewal in community based, intuitive and family centered care. 

The more I researched the more I knew I wanted to be a home birth midwife. I desperately wanted to be a part of providing choice to women in my area. So those who wanted or needed a hospital birth could have that, while those who didn’t could more easily access a midwife. 

More midwives are emerging from various forms of training every day, but we still need more. Particularly for where I am in Westmoreland County (previously living in Indiana County), the closest midwife center (where you can birth not in a hospital but also not at home, a happy medium) was in Pittsburgh an hour or more away. Choice is frankly very limited, there are only so many midwives in this area who can only accept so many clients at a time. 

Inspired to be a part of greater change, I reached out to some of those local midwives to learn what I needed to do to get to that point. While recently out of college with a BA in Anthropology and Psychology, I was not financially in a position to apprentice with them. Turns out it’s hard finding a job that allows you to call off work for births and prenatals and still get those bills paid! 

So they recommended I look into becoming a doula as well as researching the possibility of becoming an EMT. One would get me more direct experience with birthing women to be sure this was the path I wanted to take (At that point I had not personally been to a birth nor had any children of my own, I just felt in my bones that this was what I needed to do). The other would teach me the fundamentals of patient care and lay a foundation for what I would need to learn to become a midwife.

2017 I started that doula journey, attending training for both birth and postpartum (I was ambitious and eager to learn). I’ll go more into depth about DONA International in a later post as well. There are tons of ways to become a doula, but this route is the one I am most familiar with and can give some insight into for those interested in learning more. 

Between 2017 and September 2020, there were many starts, stops, twists and turns to getting certified and starting my business while working full time. I am proud to say that I was able to finish all the requirements in that time and am officially certified! 

Now, spring of 2021, I am feeling that ambition again. To put in the work of educating those around me to the benefits of having a doula (for many in Western Pa who don’t live in Pittsburgh a “doula” is very much a foreign concept). To put the time in to secure more clients so I may focus full time on birth work as I have wanted to since 2017. To create art exploring the relationship between mothers and their babies, the birth process, and womanhood. And finally, to dedicate myself to self study in preparation to apprentice as a Traditional Midwife (Also known as Direct-Entry Midwifery). 

Officially an Ancient Art of Midwifery student!

There is absolutely a lot driving me further and further into the world of birth work. The art I create and the desire to serve others all point toward birth and families. 

I hope this gave you a little insight into who I am and the motivations behind becoming a doula. 

More to come in exploring these different aspects of birth work from what a doula does, your birth options, my art, and what I’ve learned along the way.

I wish you all the best, and happy birthing!

JB

Don’t you just love watching your baby grow? Especially as they progress from instinctually grasping your finger in their tiny hands to intentionally grabbing toys. As they begin to explore their ever growing world, you may have noticed the at first cute but quickly frustrating aspect of reaching to grab an object only to quickly drop it.

Learning to grasp, hold, let go, and eventual retrieval of dropped objects is a part of our young one’s development. However, it’s kind of hard to retrieve that dropped teething ring from the car floor isn’t it? Especially while driving down the increasingly crowded roads.

So here’s something new to help not only our little one’s out in practicing drop and retrieval skills, but also us in keeping teething rings, pacifiers, and other toys off the floor to be lost in the abyss of our cars. With the added bonus of keeping them clean for little mouths!

Buzz-Worthy Bemi from Little Bemi Co. Photo by @andriazutichphoto

This is the recently launched metal free clip created by Little Bemi Co. to keep those pacifiers, teething rings, and other toys safely off the floor and within reach.

I had the privilege of receiving a prototype to share with one of my clients. I got the above model, the Buzz-Worthy Bemi, and I love a lot of things about it.

From the soft fabric, cute bee design, and food grade silicone beads there is a lot to appreciate about their Bemis. If you’ve spent any time around infants, you know they explore with their mouths. Not having sharp metal clips within reach is definitely a bonus.

And as a doula that has had her fair share of spit up from happily fed babies, I appreciate an easy to clean accessory. Everything about the Bemi is washable and safe for little mouths, with adult supervision of course. I also really love that it is more than just for pacifiers. If the teething ring or toy has an enclosed circle to thread the loop through, you’re all set!

For moms, this checks off so many boxes from being cute, functional, easy to clean, and safe for baby (and baby’s cute outfits often distorted with tugged on metal clips).

The client I provided the Buzz-Worthy Bemi to doesn’t use pacifiers, so hasn’t utilized this yet, but her daughter has definitely reached the grab and drop stage! So I think we’ll be seeing more use out of this clever tool soon enough. I’ll be sure to share pictures when available.

Buzz-Worthy Bemi from Little Bemi Co. Photo by @andriazutichphoto

If you’re interested in learning more or trying this little bemi for yourself, check out their website littlebemi.com or check them out on Instagram @littlebemico

I hope you enjoyed this review, I’d love to do more in the future. Stay tuned for my soon to be released podcast JB Doula Podcast. There I’ll cover loads of topics including moms sharing their birth stories, mom hacks, and favorite products. I’m looking forward to the Clothe Diaper Episodes for sure!

Thanks for dropping by & Happy Birthing!

JB

You have just gone through an amazingly chaotic journey full of ups and downs. Your precious newborn is finally in your arms looking up at you with eyes full of serenity and wonder. You have given birth and are bursting at the seams to talk about your experience to anyone who will listen. You might have already told your story, sometimes multiple times, to the same people. 

Repetition and reliving moments in our lives is how we process monumental moments such as birth. It’s all a part of the process of uniting your past self, the experience, and your current self into one cohesive identity. This takes time. 

This sometimes takes a lot of time and countless retellings of your story. You may be worried that you’re annoying the people you love with how much you talk about it. You may think you shouldn’t feel this burning need to talk about your birth so much. 

I’m here to tell you that you absolutely should talk about it.

Your story does matter. 

I am here with a solution to any concerns you may have about how frequently you find yourself wanting to talk about it. 

When you find yourself talked out or that the post birth fog is finally starting to lift from your brain; it’s time to write your story. 

Now, I’m not saying it needs to be an epic novel of substantial length and magnitude! 

No, this can be as short or as long as you want (or are able to write with a newborn wiggling for attention).

If you’re thinking, “How on EARTH am I supposed to write something while round the clock feeding!?” In this case, the obstacle ends up being the solution.

In the previous blog post, “5 Must Haves When Creating Your Baby Feeding Nest,” I showed you what to have on hand during the multiple feedings of your newborn baby in these early weeks. I mentioned having a notepad and pen or your laptop in easy reach.

Here’s why.

With how often you are nestled into your feeding nest, you can very easily have a lot of time on your free hand. Once you get into your feeding groove that is. As you and baby get to know each other and learn how to feed together (this goes for breast or bottle feeding), this time can become very peaceful where you might begin to feel idle, restless or lonely. 

You now have the opportunity to record your story and flesh out all the details. This is especially helpful if you’re home alone with baby and really want to talk about the experience, but no one is available.

Here’s how you put your story to paper (or phone or laptop).

First, Jot down a list of as many details as you can remember.

This is a quick and simple breakdown of what happened from when and where you were as you felt the first contractions all the way through memorable moments in labor like how your partner kissed your forehead after a contraction. 

This will be the backbone of your story that you can fill in as you remember. Memory can still be pretty fuzzy in your postpartum period with a newborn. You may find yourself recalling something as detailed as what a nurse said and how it made you feel weeks or months after the birth and then for years to come. 

Second, Get that same list from your partner, care provider, and doula. 

You were doing really important work birthing your baby, and as a result you may find that chunks of your labor blurred together. You may not realize it until you compare notes with someone else who was there. 

Your birth team serves as crucial pieces of the puzzle to getting a clear picture of your birth story. Your partner has also gone through an immense life change and having their thoughts and feelings added to the story can make it feel like a birth of a family story you can share. 

Your care provider, whether that is a nurse at a hospital or a midwife at your home birth. They have a record of the exact time something happened such as your water breaking, cervical exam, or if any interventions were done. If you have the opportunity, ask your provider in advance to make a copy of these notes to share with you. 

Your birth doula. The doula has a particular advantage here. They have the benefit of being familiar enough with you to provide hands-on, ‘round-the-clock attentive support while also being an unbiased third party who can record the play by plays of your birth journey. 

Your own personalized birth story

I would begin recording details from the minute I get the call that you think you are in labor. I include the time, what is going on, how you’re feeling or something you said, what coping strategies you are trying, how many times you got up to pee (seems odd, but that counts as movement that shows you were working towards bringing your baby into this world!), as well as any interventions that were used and how you and your partner felt about them. 

More personalized and detailed than a nurse report, with the added benefit that I would sit down with you in person post birth to talk about the moments leading up to, during, and after the birth. You would get a printed or digital copy of these notes that you can then use as a reference for writing your full birth story. 

I will gladly listen to your story as many times as you need to tell it and help you fill in any gaps you encounter along the way. 

Third, Get creative

Get into as much or as little detail as you want. This is your story, write what matters to you. You can plan it to be a scrapbook story that includes photos from the birth and have baby’s footprints besides their birth date. 

Maybe you want to write the story for your baby, and you simplify it down like a children’s book you can read to your baby or to save in a special baby keepsake chest. 

Feel free to make it your memoir! If you find yourself writing like you climbed Mount Everest, lean into it! Your birth absolutely counts as monumental as scaling a mountain. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise are naysayers and you don’t need that negativity as you embrace parenthood. And that includes every kind of birth: Hospital, Home, Birth Center, medicated, unmedicated, in the woods, cesarean, water, and everything in between. Every birth matters. 

Perhaps you have a flair for fantasy, and want to add some magic like JRR Tolkein or JK Rowling. Go for it! Whatever way resonates with you is the way to do it.

If you still find yourself not feeling up to the task of writing you can always do an audio or visual recording of yourself talking about this experience while feeding your baby (if you have a laptop or a phone stand this just became hands free!).

Fourth, Set it aside if you need to

Parenthood is intense work! If you feel like you’ve got as many details down as you can remember and feel content, feel free to set it aside for now. You can polish it to a beautiful shine later after you’ve finally gotten more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. With those extensive notes, you will absolutely be able to come back to it weeks, months, or even years down the road to finish. 

Your story will be there whenever you are ready

Even if you weren’t able to get everything down, you will still remember your birth 20 years from now. The process of writing it relatively soon after birth is to help you record details you may be worried about forgetting. Or so you have something to go back to and read to say, “Wow, I really did that. That’s amazing.” Whatever your reason is, if it causes you more stress to try and do it now, it will be there whenever you’re ready. 

Fifth, Reach Out

There is a lot to process with a birth. Reliving and retelling might be triggering a lot of overwhelming feelings for you. These can be feelings of joy or trauma. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and swept up by recalling your birth, please do not hesitate to reach out. This could be to a close friend, doula, therapist, or doctor. These feelings are very real and can be a lot to process on your own.

You are not alone

You don’t have to struggle through this alone.

If you find you are in need of professional help or an impartial person to talk to there are resources on my references page to connect you to hotlines. If you’re already a member/client* you have access to the full list of local therapists and outreach should you need them. This list is frequently updated with new relevant resources or local services. 

I am also available to talk with or to connect you to the appropriate resources.

Six, Recruit an Assistant

By hiring me as your postpartum doula I am able to be your personal secretary and record your story as you tell it to me.

Just like your birth, you do not have to do this alone. If you want help processing and recording your birth journey into a story format I am more than happy to help. 

In life and parenthood, finding what works best for you is an ongoing process of trial and error. No matter how many books we read, advice we hear, or videos we watch; eventually it comes down to trying something and seeing what works. 

This holds true for feeding a newborn baby. Your feeding groove is simply whatever way of feeding your baby works best for both of you (you’re a team). This also is an ongoing process as you two learn together and as baby grows. What worked last week might not fly today. Triplely so if you’re tandem feeding, whether multiple newborns or your toddler and newborn. 

Here are 10 tips to help you and baby find your feeding groove

1.Redirect an On-the-Go Mindset

Slowing down, allowing yourself to rest, relax, and enjoy stillness while feeding your baby. Like any mindfulness practice; it takes time. 

2. Let it Go

That means dirty dishes, laundry, and other distractions. If you’re able, let that stuff go. If not; request or hire help to minimize the to-do list. 

3. Set Boundaries

Frequent visitors (the ones that overstay their welcome without offering to do a load of laundry). Anything or anyone else that adds more stress to your day. You and baby are working hard and you both don’t need that kind of negativity right now.

4. Be Patient With Yourself

You are doing an amazing job. Your baby loves you and is so lucky to have you. 

5. Phone a Friend

 Hearing from a good friend alleviates loneliness and bolsters confidence. Vent, brainstorm, or catch up.

6. Call in Back-Up

Still having difficulties achieving a comfortable latch or other feeding struggles? Call your local La Leche League International Leader for suggestions. Talk with an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) for more problem solving. 

7. Find Your Village

Meeting up with other breastfeeding moms at a La Leche League International meetup. Parenting groups online or in person. Parents from a childbirth class. Finding your people that are familiar with the journey you are on are priceless.

8. Hire a Doula

Perfect for the times when friends and family might be at work or live far away. Your doula is there for you and can help connect you with the resources you may need. 

9. When in Doubt, Try Again

That football hold your baby didn’t like 3 weeks ago? Try it now, they might find it more comfortable now. Cycle through tips and tricks to see if something works better now. 

10. Trust Your Gut

The more you learn about your baby, the easier it will be to find what works or identify if something might be wrong. Trust yourself and your instincts. You know your baby. 

What are some ways you’ve found your feeding groove? Share in the comments below!