We’ve entered a curious time where partners are expected to be in the birthing space with their birthing partners, to attend childbirth classes and serve as their partner’s birth coach and cheerleader. Not to mention welcoming their new baby and being emotionally present!
So when a doula enters the mix, knowledgeable in birth and often confused with a birth coach, it can leave partners wondering what their role is during birth.
A common feeling partners can have is that the doula “replaces” them in the birth room. This is simply not true.
Here I would like to air out some misconceptions about partners & doulas as well as share how a doula can help the partner too!
Most importantly, a doula NEVER replaces a partner in the birth space. (Early COVID hospital protocols aside. That’s a WHOLE other topic). As a partner, you bring something to the birth that a doula simply cannot.
Personal history, love, and intimate connection.
This intimacy is something a doula does not provide, nor tries to! This is something wholly special and necessary that the partner can provide.
With this perspective, the doula takes on more of the responsibility of the “birth coach” or I prefer the “birth guide.” The doula holds extensive knowledge on the birth process and often can be seen as a touchstone for the parents to reassure that “yes, this is normal. You’re both doing great.”
Let’s face it. It’s hard watching a loved one struggle and experience pain that you cannot fix for them. Partners tend to be doers and birthing can leave them feeling off balance and overwhelmed.
You can't give birth for your partner!
What you can do is be as present and supportive and loving as possible. This is different for everyone and every couple. Some partners are excited and more than ready to get in the trenches of emotion and provide hands on support to their birthing partner. Others are unsure what to do and also feel overwhelmed that their partner will be giving birth to their baby soon!
It’s hard to be present and supportive if you yourself need some support. And that’s okay!
Here is where a doula shines with partners. For the more involved partners, doulas can give gentle suggestions of where to place hands or when to try something new to keep that “Gate Theory” as effective as possible for the birthing partner. With this partner, a doula will typically work in tandem to support the birthing partner.
Having the birthing person face their partner and leaning on them to slow dance while the doula provides hip squeezes or back massage. For when they are handling things beautifully on their own, a doula can step back to give them space to find their groove and offer suggestions or answer questions as they come up. She fills in the gaps and builds on what the partner is already bringing to the table.
For the more anxious and unsure partners, the doula may do a lot more of the heavy lifting so to speak with the hands on and emotional support. Giving the partner space to center themselves and encouraging them, when they are ready, where to place their hands or suggesting special moments of hugs, kisses and encouragement.
This partner might need to be able to step out of the space to gather themselves or extra time to adapt to the intensity of birth before joining in when their partner needs them most.
A partner has personal history, love, and intimacy that a doula would not try to replicate. This is something wonderfully yours between the two of you.
With both of these types of partners (and the many in between), the doula is a constant. Either partner can step away for a bathroom break, coffee, or fresh air without being worried (or feeling guilty) about leaving their partner alone. With a doula, their partner will always have someone by their side.
The doula meets these partners and couples where they are at. During prenatals they’ll gauge knowledge, comfort levels, and both parents’ desires for the birth. That way each birth is tailored to each couple and every birth is unique. A doula flows to fill and support spots that need extra attention and help guide both parents on the journey should they want it.
There is reassurance that everything is okay based on her knowledge.
There is comfort in knowing that the birthing partner will have continuous support between the two of you.
There is peace of mind when working with a doula who guides you through not only the birthing person’s experience of birth but the partner’s as well.
A family centered moment.
There is confidence from practicing skills with a doula and using them together to support your birthing partner. Like with any sport, practice is key for muscle memory and confidence!
Are you a partner and concerned about your role during birth with a doula present? Reach out and let’s explore some ways to work together so this birth experience is memorable for both you and your birthing partner.
Next time I’ll elaborate on how doula’s being the experts in “normal,” translates to intuitive support during labor and birth.
Until then, Happy Birthing!
JB