We’ve entered a curious time where partners are expected to be in the birthing space with their birthing partners, to attend childbirth classes and serve as their partner’s birth coach and cheerleader. Not to mention welcoming their new baby and being emotionally present!

So when a doula enters the mix, knowledgeable in birth and often confused with a birth coach, it can leave partners wondering what their role is during birth. 

A common feeling partners can have is that the doula “replaces” them in the birth room. This is simply not true. 

Here I would like to air out some misconceptions about partners & doulas as well as share how a doula can help the partner too! 

Most importantly, a doula NEVER replaces a partner in the birth space. (Early COVID hospital protocols aside. That’s a WHOLE other topic). As a partner, you bring something to the birth that a doula simply cannot. 

Personal history, love, and intimate connection. 

This intimacy is something a doula does not provide, nor tries to! This is something wholly special and necessary that the partner can provide. 

With this perspective, the doula takes on more of the responsibility of the “birth coach” or I prefer the “birth guide.” The doula holds extensive knowledge on the birth process and often can be seen as a touchstone for the parents to reassure that “yes, this is normal. You’re both doing great.”

Let’s face it. It’s hard watching a loved one struggle and experience pain that you cannot fix for them. Partners tend to be doers and birthing can leave them feeling off balance and overwhelmed. 

You can't give birth for your partner! 

What you can do is be as present and supportive and loving as possible. This is different for everyone and every couple. Some partners are excited and more than ready to get in the trenches of emotion and provide hands on support to their birthing partner. Others are unsure what to do and also feel overwhelmed that their partner will be giving birth to their baby soon!

It’s hard to be present and supportive if you yourself need some support. And that’s okay!

Here is where a doula shines with partners. For the more involved partners, doulas can give gentle suggestions of where to place hands or when to try something new to keep that “Gate Theory” as effective as possible for the birthing partner. With this partner, a doula will typically work in tandem to support the birthing partner. 

Having the birthing person face their partner and leaning on them to slow dance while the doula provides hip squeezes or back massage. For when they are handling things beautifully on their own, a doula can step back to give them space to find their groove and offer suggestions or answer questions as they come up. She fills in the gaps and builds on what the partner is already bringing to the table. 

For the more anxious and unsure partners, the doula may do a lot more of the heavy lifting so to speak with the hands on and emotional support. Giving the partner space to center themselves and encouraging them, when they are ready, where to place their hands or suggesting special moments of hugs, kisses and encouragement. 

This partner might need to be able to step out of the space to gather themselves or extra time to adapt to the intensity of birth before joining in when their partner needs them most. 

A partner has personal history, love, and intimacy that a doula would not try to replicate. This is something wonderfully yours between the two of you.

With both of these types of partners (and the many in between), the doula is a constant. Either partner can step away for a bathroom break, coffee, or fresh air without being worried (or feeling guilty) about leaving their partner alone. With a doula, their partner will always have someone by their side. 

The doula meets these partners and couples where they are at. During prenatals they’ll gauge knowledge, comfort levels, and both parents’ desires for the birth. That way each birth is tailored to each couple and every birth is unique. A doula flows to fill and support spots that need extra attention and help guide both parents on the journey should they want it. 

There is reassurance that everything is okay based on her knowledge. 

There is comfort in knowing that the birthing partner will have continuous support between the two of you. 

There is peace of mind when working with a doula who guides you through not only the birthing person’s experience of birth but the partner’s as well.

A family centered moment. 

There is confidence from practicing skills with a doula and using them together to support your birthing partner. Like with any sport, practice is key for muscle memory and confidence! 

Are you a partner and concerned about your role during birth with a doula present? Reach out and let’s explore some ways to work together so this birth experience is memorable for both you and your birthing partner. 

Next time I’ll elaborate on how doula’s being the experts in “normal,” translates to intuitive support during labor and birth. 

Until then, Happy Birthing!

JB

You have just gone through an amazingly chaotic journey full of ups and downs. Your precious newborn is finally in your arms looking up at you with eyes full of serenity and wonder. You have given birth and are bursting at the seams to talk about your experience to anyone who will listen. You might have already told your story, sometimes multiple times, to the same people. 

Repetition and reliving moments in our lives is how we process monumental moments such as birth. It’s all a part of the process of uniting your past self, the experience, and your current self into one cohesive identity. This takes time. 

This sometimes takes a lot of time and countless retellings of your story. You may be worried that you’re annoying the people you love with how much you talk about it. You may think you shouldn’t feel this burning need to talk about your birth so much. 

I’m here to tell you that you absolutely should talk about it.

Your story does matter. 

I am here with a solution to any concerns you may have about how frequently you find yourself wanting to talk about it. 

When you find yourself talked out or that the post birth fog is finally starting to lift from your brain; it’s time to write your story. 

Now, I’m not saying it needs to be an epic novel of substantial length and magnitude! 

No, this can be as short or as long as you want (or are able to write with a newborn wiggling for attention).

If you’re thinking, “How on EARTH am I supposed to write something while round the clock feeding!?” In this case, the obstacle ends up being the solution.

In the previous blog post, “5 Must Haves When Creating Your Baby Feeding Nest,” I showed you what to have on hand during the multiple feedings of your newborn baby in these early weeks. I mentioned having a notepad and pen or your laptop in easy reach.

Here’s why.

With how often you are nestled into your feeding nest, you can very easily have a lot of time on your free hand. Once you get into your feeding groove that is. As you and baby get to know each other and learn how to feed together (this goes for breast or bottle feeding), this time can become very peaceful where you might begin to feel idle, restless or lonely. 

You now have the opportunity to record your story and flesh out all the details. This is especially helpful if you’re home alone with baby and really want to talk about the experience, but no one is available.

Here’s how you put your story to paper (or phone or laptop).

First, Jot down a list of as many details as you can remember.

This is a quick and simple breakdown of what happened from when and where you were as you felt the first contractions all the way through memorable moments in labor like how your partner kissed your forehead after a contraction. 

This will be the backbone of your story that you can fill in as you remember. Memory can still be pretty fuzzy in your postpartum period with a newborn. You may find yourself recalling something as detailed as what a nurse said and how it made you feel weeks or months after the birth and then for years to come. 

Second, Get that same list from your partner, care provider, and doula. 

You were doing really important work birthing your baby, and as a result you may find that chunks of your labor blurred together. You may not realize it until you compare notes with someone else who was there. 

Your birth team serves as crucial pieces of the puzzle to getting a clear picture of your birth story. Your partner has also gone through an immense life change and having their thoughts and feelings added to the story can make it feel like a birth of a family story you can share. 

Your care provider, whether that is a nurse at a hospital or a midwife at your home birth. They have a record of the exact time something happened such as your water breaking, cervical exam, or if any interventions were done. If you have the opportunity, ask your provider in advance to make a copy of these notes to share with you. 

Your birth doula. The doula has a particular advantage here. They have the benefit of being familiar enough with you to provide hands-on, ‘round-the-clock attentive support while also being an unbiased third party who can record the play by plays of your birth journey. 

Your own personalized birth story

I would begin recording details from the minute I get the call that you think you are in labor. I include the time, what is going on, how you’re feeling or something you said, what coping strategies you are trying, how many times you got up to pee (seems odd, but that counts as movement that shows you were working towards bringing your baby into this world!), as well as any interventions that were used and how you and your partner felt about them. 

More personalized and detailed than a nurse report, with the added benefit that I would sit down with you in person post birth to talk about the moments leading up to, during, and after the birth. You would get a printed or digital copy of these notes that you can then use as a reference for writing your full birth story. 

I will gladly listen to your story as many times as you need to tell it and help you fill in any gaps you encounter along the way. 

Third, Get creative

Get into as much or as little detail as you want. This is your story, write what matters to you. You can plan it to be a scrapbook story that includes photos from the birth and have baby’s footprints besides their birth date. 

Maybe you want to write the story for your baby, and you simplify it down like a children’s book you can read to your baby or to save in a special baby keepsake chest. 

Feel free to make it your memoir! If you find yourself writing like you climbed Mount Everest, lean into it! Your birth absolutely counts as monumental as scaling a mountain. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise are naysayers and you don’t need that negativity as you embrace parenthood. And that includes every kind of birth: Hospital, Home, Birth Center, medicated, unmedicated, in the woods, cesarean, water, and everything in between. Every birth matters. 

Perhaps you have a flair for fantasy, and want to add some magic like JRR Tolkein or JK Rowling. Go for it! Whatever way resonates with you is the way to do it.

If you still find yourself not feeling up to the task of writing you can always do an audio or visual recording of yourself talking about this experience while feeding your baby (if you have a laptop or a phone stand this just became hands free!).

Fourth, Set it aside if you need to

Parenthood is intense work! If you feel like you’ve got as many details down as you can remember and feel content, feel free to set it aside for now. You can polish it to a beautiful shine later after you’ve finally gotten more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. With those extensive notes, you will absolutely be able to come back to it weeks, months, or even years down the road to finish. 

Your story will be there whenever you are ready

Even if you weren’t able to get everything down, you will still remember your birth 20 years from now. The process of writing it relatively soon after birth is to help you record details you may be worried about forgetting. Or so you have something to go back to and read to say, “Wow, I really did that. That’s amazing.” Whatever your reason is, if it causes you more stress to try and do it now, it will be there whenever you’re ready. 

Fifth, Reach Out

There is a lot to process with a birth. Reliving and retelling might be triggering a lot of overwhelming feelings for you. These can be feelings of joy or trauma. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and swept up by recalling your birth, please do not hesitate to reach out. This could be to a close friend, doula, therapist, or doctor. These feelings are very real and can be a lot to process on your own.

You are not alone

You don’t have to struggle through this alone.

If you find you are in need of professional help or an impartial person to talk to there are resources on my references page to connect you to hotlines. If you’re already a member/client* you have access to the full list of local therapists and outreach should you need them. This list is frequently updated with new relevant resources or local services. 

I am also available to talk with or to connect you to the appropriate resources.

Six, Recruit an Assistant

By hiring me as your postpartum doula I am able to be your personal secretary and record your story as you tell it to me.

Just like your birth, you do not have to do this alone. If you want help processing and recording your birth journey into a story format I am more than happy to help.